Windshields are bigger than rearviews for a reason

"There was a time when I liked being a certain way, being social and having friends in different places, but when I met Khloé, that was the first time I got the urge to be like, I don’t even want to do that anymore. That’s when I knew I found somebody. I couldn’t do what I normally do. She’s too strong-willed. She’d leave me.” - Lamar Odom  


I love this quote because everyone I've ever fallen for or held out for has made me leave them. I know that sounds silly, but when you look over me or treat me like I'm a second choice, I don't really have another option. I keep holding out for the day that someone realizes they can't let me go. Because the second I get the feeling like I'm unwanted, I'm gone before you realize it.

On how marrying Khloe has changed him: 
"With men, most of the time our goal is to have what we want when it comes to women. Most men like more than one woman. Most people don't want to get married because being married, that's a responsibility. I always used to tell that to women. I don't want a girlfriend because that means I've got a responsibility. I have a responsibility to call you. I have a responsibility not to be with another woman. I have a responsibility to be there on time when you need me. With her I was like, If I do what I normally do, I'm going to lose her. And if I lose her, I think it's going to hurt a lot."


I know this blog is all over the place, but if you want the Cliffnotes version:


Boppers have contributed to the demise of the only relationship I've ever had. That's right... nfl boppers. As fate would have it, I thought we would at least make it til Valentine's day so I could say for one time in my 25 year old life, I had a valentine. Alas, no. People did try to give me fair warning, though. He didn't even make it to the league yet before it got bad. We're still friends, and I'm still going to the senior bowl if that makes sense. We just split amicably and finally said this is completely toxic. I'm uncomfortable with the amount of women that you freely alllow around you without consideration to me, and you won't have to waste your time claiming they are just friends or hearing my cry on skype. So... there's that. Sometimes you have to leave as quick as you can, even if you don't know where you going.  


Sorry this blog lacks the entertainment value. It's been a depressing evening. : /

Beard Goggles

I went on a "group date" tonight. Completely not as freaky/sexual as it sounds.

I'm always whining about how I'll never find the perfect match for me. I want someone who is really snarky/quick-witted, likes sports, is super attractive, smarter than me, family person, etc - basically I have built a man in my mind that doesn't actually exist. This means I'm going to have to downgrade and settle, or alter my perceptions of what "the perfect man" really is - both of which will most likely not happen anytime soon.

So naturally, my friend/coworker took it upon herself to set me up with this "perfect match" after I explained to her my dilemma and why I choose to stay single. Her husband had a "hot friend" who is single and a complete 10. For the record, if anyone ever says that they know a single person and he/she is a 10, that is a complete lie. I am single and almost 25 years old. Once you pass 23, you are single because you have something wrong with you. For girls, most of the time, this is because you have standards. For men, most of the time this is because you have an excess hair problem, multiple women, no degree, crazy ex-girlfriends, or play booger pranks.

So my friend tries to set this up Thursday. After I checked the local TV Guide and saw that  I wouldn't be missing Criminal Minds, Wheel of Fortune, Arkansas basketball, DIY bathrooms and kitchen edition, or House Hunters International, I decided to give it a whirl *in my Home Alone Kevin McCallister voice*. 

I got my big blonde hair all Erin Andrews-ish, dressed up really adorable, and we all went out to Louie's tonight to watch the game while we eat, (because "perfect man" likes sports too)....... BUT my friend failed to mention that perfect man has a VERY. SERIOUS. PROBLEM..... 

Beard Goggles.

That's right, And for those of you at home wondering what this is: Beard Goggles are when a beard-bearing individual is convinced that his facial hair looks great, when in actuality they look like a weird truck driver with a chromosome problem. 

I mean... wer're talking it looked like a bushy-tailed squirrel was strangling his head. Don't get me wrong. He was a really nice guy, has a great job, and dressed very well; I just don't feel like picking fibers out of my teeth, clothes, and sofa cushions - Because when you're bring those kinds of things home, they get hair everywhere. I just don't have time to be steam cleaning my house like that or carrying around pocket mirrors to ensure my teeth don't look like a Rocky Mountain pine wreath. 

And beyond that... he wasn't a true sports fan! Tom Brady PUNTED the BALL for 48 yards and he's over there trying to talk about where I'm from!!!! GTFOH. Where I come from, we have a moment of silence when an nfl quarterback punts the ball in a playoff game. 

Long story short, my friend is pissed, the bearded one is heartbroken, and I'm alone on my couch watching sports center. 

I don't want to go all psychological tuning fork on you people, but I think i'm in a quarter-life "I've been cheated on" slump. Jake is off in a training camp, and my soon to be 25 year old life is shaping up to be nothing more than a string of luxury car purchases designed to temporarily fill the void. And part of me is okay with it because I've really settled in to it. I'm drinking straight out of the milk carton, I never have to put on clothes, if I want Quizno's for dinner 5 nights in a row then I'll have Quizno's. But eventually it's going to get old. The Lexus' beauty is going to fade. And I'm going to be sitting around drinking 1% milk in only my boyshorts. Ha. JK... trying to see if you were still following me. 

But hopefully you people get the idea. Maybe some Southern girls aren't meant to find "the one". I'm still going to keep looking obviously - diligently searching through a sea of tall country boys with 6 pack abs and biceps of steel. But I think I'm going to reduce my expectations.... Unless you have a mammoth sized ZZ Top beard, in which case you should probably braid that shit, assume a Jamaican identity, and never call me. 

"Mmm, I love how your chin hair connects all the way to the inside of your ear." - No one. Ever.

-H.S.